Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
