I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
