There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
its liver damage thursday
So apparently I’m into choking now
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