Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
