went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
