Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
