She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
