i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
