he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
