My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
