I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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