Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
