I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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