is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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