It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
