Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
