cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
