I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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