You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
