saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
