Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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