How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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