I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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