Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
