Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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