dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Everclear isn't food dammit
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
