I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
