I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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