love makes seman taste better
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
