That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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