Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
