walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
