I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
