grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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