guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
