Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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