Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
