I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
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