You kept calling me your small dog last night.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
