Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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