I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
