Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I need water and some morals
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
