My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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