If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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