I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
