New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
