Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
