sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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