if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
