Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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