Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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