take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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