Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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